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Userpic Meme from posthoc

Why do we choose our userpics? What internal forces prompt our choices?  Are they an expression of interests, hobbies, or inner desires?  Or are they manifestations of deep longings and unhealthy ideals?  I could go into a lacanian analysis, thereby citing the mirror stage and our tendency to identify with external images, but it is too late at night for that kind of complexity of thought. 

1. Reply to this post and I will choose 6 of your userpics
2.  post in your lj explaining why you chose those userpics
3. Other people can then comment on yours and create their own posts
4. This will create a (hopefully) never ending cycle of discussion surrounding userpic choices.

  I was out on a picnic with lesbian friends.  We shared food, climbed trees, played frisbee, flew rainbow kites, and fed the geese.  I also discussed Islam with my new friend.  Very interesting.  In this picture we decided to mimic the fresco on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel.  I love how it turned out, even if I was looking in the wrong direction lol.

  My friend took this picture of me the summer of my last year as an undergraduate.  I was going through some stressful times, but could still enjoy a good outing with friends.  She thought it would be funny if I expressed more of my personality (i.e. very cat like leo).  So she encouraged me to use the tree as a scratching post.  I think it is her favorite photo of me because it really captures who I am.  And that person is pretty goofy, fun loving, and free spirited.  This is definitely one of my favorite pictures of myself (maybe even my absolute favorite).

  This is a photo of my ex and I after we got back from looking at an apartment.  Even though the relationship was not really great, this photo was a huge turning point for me.  I realized I can look good with minimal make up (only lip gloss and mascara).  I felt so free.  My self-esteem really went up.  Even at a weight I don't really like, I can still look good and feel happy.  I think getting away from the stress of academia, and actually living a really life, did wonders for me.

  I chose this photo for kind of questionable reasons.  When I was much thinner people used to frequently compare me to this actress.  It wasn't until about a year into my worst Ed moments that I looked into the mirror was actually surprised that I do look like her.  I also happen to love berets and used to wear one just like the one in the picture.  I used to wear it to class.  It still freaks me out that I used to look like this and I still find myself inspired (possibly for the worst) by this photo.  Hopefully, I can get back down to a healthier weight through healthier means.

I love this picture because it is so mysterious, artsy, and film noir.  Catherine Deneuve is my favorite actress and fashion icon.  The only down side to this picture is that it glamorizes smoking.

  I chose this as my first userpic.  I had just recovered from a suicide attempt and wanted a picture that portrayed a glamorous image of suffering.  I believe this is a still frame from the movie Tristana.  The eponymous heroine of the film suffers great hardship because of the death of her family.  She lives with an older man who is supposed to be her guardian, but is determined to force her hand in marriage due to her youth and beauty.  She eventually becomes seriously ill and loses a leg.  At that point in my life, I felt as though I had lost the ability to stand on my own.  It might have also had something to do with my body image and ed issues (I was still struggling at that time).


I went out tonight with some straight friends (now I really wish I would have hung out with my lesbian friends at the passion party instead).  These two guys in the group wouldn't take no for an answer and one of them kept calling up my phone after I went home and said he was going to come over to my place.  I informed him that if he showed up I would call the police and have him removed.  Fuck.  So my friend's boyfriend (who is friends with the loser) told him to fuck off and defended me (according to my friend).  I blew off a passion party with a friend and her friends, who wanted to see me again before I left, to hang out with people whose values freak me out.  I like my straight friend, but her boyfriend's friends fucking piss me off.  I am so mad right now I cannot even sleep.  I swear, from now on I am wearing my steel toed boots everywhere, and carrying my exacto knife with me at all times. 
It turns out that the page my mother sent me had the deadline but I am so busy and such an anxious mess that I didn't see it. (eye/I fail).  Then she tried calling me and left me a voice mail message telling me about the deadline, but my phone didn't show any messages (techno fail).  Everything is fine though because I still get my TAship but now I feel guilty.  My mother may not be perfect but she is trying to help.


I only found out today that the deadline for my TA contract was the tenth of this month.  You think my mother would have told me that so I would make sure to come and get it in time.  I was hoping to wait until this Friday because I have been busy working two jobs (often until 9pm every day) and doing volunteer work, going in and out of Waterloo to find a place, and running errands.  Now she and my brother are treating me like some lazy underachieving slacker.  I work two jobs, I am trying to move, and I do volunteer work three times a week.  I would have made time if I had known about the deadline.  Without the TAship I cannot, nor will I, go to graduate school.  I contacted someone tonight about the problem, to see if I could extend the deadline and still send it off tomorrow.  I will send it anyway, but it would be nice to have confirmation.  If I have to, I will call and plead my case.  Instead of going into a lot of details I just told them I didn't find out that it arrived until today (after the deadline) because it was sent to my parent's place in another city. 

Some of my friends and friendly acquaintances have suggested, in no uncertain terms, that my mother was attempting to sabotage me.  She has been anything but supportive of my desire to attend graduate school so I tend to agree with them.  I am also now upset about things I let go of before: Not being invited to dinner with my other grandmother.  They invited my brother and had no intention of telling me about it.  I only found out from my brother who didn't know I hadn't been invited.  Then my family left for Easter without telling me or even inviting me.  My mother also comes in to see my brother and doesn't bother to visit me or even bring me my mail.  I have to go out there to get it even on the days she comes into Hamilton.  She also said  she would take some of my stuff back with her when she moved my brother out.  She came and moved him out without telling me so she didn't help me move.  They are also refusing to help me with graduate school.  They will not even cosign for a student loan.  I guess it always comes down to these two statements made by my mother: " You are not worth loving" and "you are not worth the money".

She once joked to my aunt, after my aunt complimented me on being really good with her kids, that my aunt would not think so highly of me when I ended up in prison.  She also told me that she loved my brother no matter what, but in order for me to be worth it I would have to end up being really successful.  I suppose now she doesn't want me to end up happy and successful because if I end up destitute and horrible she will be vindicated. She is hoping that everyone will turn and say to her, "you were right, your daughter (our granddaughter or niece) is a horrible person.  I am sorry we didn't believe you".  She wants to be vindicated, even (or especially) if that means sabotaging me. 

I have made a decision:  Once I move all of my belongings out of my parents' house I am cutting off all contact.  I still want to remain in touch with the rest of my family, but my parents are out.  I refuse to allow them to do this to me any longer.  It is over.

I might be kind of evil

But you know what?

I am okay with that!

I kind of want to do my PhD at the University of London just so I can say, at least in my head, "Heh look!  I was accepted into the same PhD program as you.  But guess what?  I actually finished mine."  *sticks tongue out at nameless person*  Ah how sweet would that be?  She tried to destroy my academic future, and then heh I could actually end up being more qualified than she is, and maybe even end up with a better position.  So, not evil, just maybe a bit petty?  No, just mind explodingly awesome!

Writer's Block: Fan love

Who is your favorite TV character of all time? Why did s/he make such a big impact on you? Do you collect any memorabilia? Did s/he inspire you creatively in any way?

Murphy Brown is my favorite TV character of all time.  She inspired me to speak my mind, fight for what I believe in, and to never give in even in the face of overwhelming opposition.  I ask the tough questions, challenge authority when I believe that the authority in question is acting in an unethical manner, and I am hard to intimidate.  I make lawyers cry.  If my parents ever wonder how I got to be the way I am today, they should look at the shows they allowed me to watch.  Thanks Murphy! (the writers, creators, and Candice Bergan).  As for memorabilia:  I want the complete series on DVD and would love to find collector's items.  Maybe when I find myself a nice teaching position at a university, I will decorate my office with some items lol.

So exhausted

I finally got my computer back up and running, but I really don't want to be on it.  I spent the last few days cleaning, reading, writing, and running errands.  I spent a few hours today out in the cold and windy wilderness lol.  I want to avoid being online, but the longer I stay away the harder it will be to come back.  So I am easing myself back in.  Sorry if anyone has sent me messages, I am not yet ready to respond.  Still half frozen to death.  I start my new job on Monday-yay!

I need to see a therapist

I have made a new school year resolution:  I am going to see a therapist, even if I don't want to, because I know I won't like it once I start.  I am terrified that something horrible will happen in grad school.  I am so excited to be going, but I am occasionally consumed by intrusive thoughts about things that could go wrong, and I have nightmares almost every night.  I also think I might have OCD issues . . . I have to have my keys in my hand as I leave my apartment, and my phone in my hand every time I leave my building, and my keys in my hand every time I get back . . . I am so afraid something bad is going to happen and I will need my phone or my keys and I am afraid of losing my keys and being locked out.  I also worry that I will lose something important (like my acceptance offer, which has been sent, or my TA contract).  Even though the contract was guaranteed I had to check with someone just to make sure, because I was so afraid that for some reason (related to my undergraduate studies) I would be the exception.  I admitted to the contact that I tend to worry about things until they are completely set and in order (they sent my TAship almost right after they told me I was offered one, even though I was told they don't worry about that stuff until July . . . so maybe someone can relate? lol).  The list could go on, including my obsession with time and punctuality, my excessive checking of my e-mail and other online sites, etc . . . I am even having trouble writing the articles and doing my research because I am afraid I won't do it the right way.  ugh . . . If only I could find a good therapist and even a good medication that won't make me sick.  Effexor=hell on earth.  And prozac was no treat either . . . I am not that bad, I am pretty much okay, but the anxiety issues might get worse once I start school again.  I just don't want to end up being the total mess (i.e. eating disordered control freak) that I was as an undergraduate.


List of awesome things that have turned out right in my life since the last time I posted:

New place_check
fun date_check

Now I just have to work on the whole moving thing, and saving money, and all of my research and writing projects.  I feel like I am finally back on the right path again.  Yay!

Fun Meme!

Pick 20 of your favorite works of literature/movies/anime/graphic novels/games, etc and put down the summary from  http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BetterThanItSounds

Then have your friends guess them!


1)<strike> In a totalitarian world, a man has philisophical discussions with himself, has sex whenever he is alone with his girlfriend for longer than ten minutes, then gets tortured.
  • Or: A man learns to love his brother. This is considered a bad thing </strike> guessed by Ishy
2) <strike>Talking animals re-enact the history of the Soviet Union. Including parts that hadn't happened — yet.
  • Or: A bunch of Funny Animals learn a lesson about equality and playing by the rules. </strike> guessed by Ishy
3)Horse talks about his life.

4)<strike>In The Future, there's no crime, poverty, war, disease or old age, and everyone gets to have lots and lots of sex. But the Noble Savage says it's bad. Two other people, who are among the smartest people on earth, go on a quest to stop being happy. </strike> guessed by Ishy

5) <strike>A dog and a cat suspect a rabbit is a vampire. As related by the dog.
  • Or: a poor defenseless rabbit is persecuted by a cat. A dog fails to interfere most of the time.</strike> guessed by Ishy
6)<strike>A group of bored people walk to visit the site where somebody died. On the way, they tell stories in hopes of winning food. </strike> guessed by Ishy

7)Twenty Minutes Into The Future, nobody reads. Man starts to question his job.
  • Or: Television turns people into idiots. One guy rants at length about this.
8)A doctor hangs out with midgets, giants, mad scientists, and talking horses. His experiences lead him to conclude that the human race sucks.

9) Uptight but independent teacher falls for mopey rich man

10)<strike>Vast armies fight over a piece of jewelry.</strike. guessed by Ishy

11)A guy minding his own business gets roped into reclaiming a mine.

12)<strike>Guy tries to pass a law supporting baby eating. </strike> guessed by Ishy

13) <strike>Woman buys flowers, receives a visitor and hosts a dinner party. Meanwhile a shell-shocked war veteran commits suicide. </strike> guessed by Ishy

14)Mentally-challenged man rescues ham from poor white trash out to avenge family honor.

15)<strike>guy lives in a cabin for a few months, not really doing much. </strike> guessed by Ishy

16) <strike>A green-skinned woman goes through a journey of college woes, animal rights activism and Wangst just to be killed with water. </strike> guessed by Ishy


17) <strike>Nice dead people try to scare living people from a house. Also, a decomposing pervert with an identity crisis falls madly in love with a teenage girl and tries to marry her. </strike> guessed by Ishy

18)<strike>Two disgraced angels try to exploit a loophole in Catholicism to kill God and destroy the universe, and it's up to an abortion clinic worker, two stoners, a stripper, and the 13th Apostle to stop them. And there's a monster made out of crap. </strike> guessed by Ishy

19)<strike>A girl navigates a maze at the whim of a fairy rock star. </strike> guessed by Ishy

20)<strike>During the Spanish Civil War, a bookish girl with a psychotic army officer for an adoptive father completes three tasks so she can get killed and be reincarnated again as the fairy princess she was in a past life. Oh, and they're the scariest fairies ever. </strike> guessed by Ishy

Not a lot to work with, since most of my favorites were not on the site.  Have fun though!  I look forward to seeing your lists!